ALCOHOL

A REFORMED ALCOHOLIC BIOLOGY TEACHER WAS GIVING HIS LAST LESSON FOR THE SEMESTER AND DECIDED TO CONDUCT AN EXTRA-SPECIAL LESSON FOR HIS CLASS.

                           THE TEACHER FACED THE CLASS HOLDING 2 WORMS.

ON THE TABLE STOOD TWO BEAKERS.IN THE FIRST WAS PLAIN TAP-WATER.

                                                                          IN THE SECOND WAS BEER.

THE TEACHER EXPLAINED."I SHALL TODAY SHOW YOU THE EVILS OF ALCOHOL AND DROPPED THE FIRST WORM INTO THE BEAKER OF PLAIN TAP-WATER AND THE WORM JUST SWAM AROUND AS HAPPY AS A WORM IN PLAIN TAP-WATER COULD BE.

THEN THE TEACHER DROPPED THE SECOND WORM INTO THE BEAKER OF BEER AND IT WRITHED AND DIED.

                                         TRIUMPHANTLY,THE TEACHER GLEAMED AT THE CLASS AND ASKED."SO CLASS,WHAT IS THE MORAL OF OUR LITLE EXPERIMENT HERE?

                                            AND TO THIS JOHN DEFIANTLY ROSE.

                                      "DRINK BEER AND YOU WON'T GET WORMS."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” 

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?” 

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” 

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Drinking

An Englishman, a, and a ChinaMan are at a bar.

The 3 order drinks but..

When the drinks arrive there's a fly in each beer.

The Englishman Looks on in disgust, pushes his beer back at the waiter and walks out the bar.

BUT,the ChinaMan pulls the fly out his beer, starts flicking it while screaming:

SPIT IT OUT YOU SKINNY BASTARD!!!YOU F***ING KNOW YOU DID'NT PAY FOR IT!!!

007

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having been told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. 

The preacher decided that he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried the following headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and this time it won. The headlines blared:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. 

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher to not enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. 

This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the an! imal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a neighboring village. The next day, the headlines announced: 

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. 

The bishop fainted. As soon as he was able, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer willing to buy it for $10. The paper announced the transaction as: 

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS. 

They buried the bishop the next day.

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese,THE MOST CREATIVELY in a sentence can have me." 

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." 

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." 

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. 

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." 

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. 

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. 

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. 

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released! me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." 

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." 

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. 

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. 

"Consider it done," the genie replied. 

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." 

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. 

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband! , anyway?" 

"Thirty-five," she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

Q:How are a Playstation 3 and Michael Jackson alike

A:They're Both Plastic And Kids Turn them on.

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she kills you!"

Once,The Pope,Obama & George Bush were on an airplane.The Pope was in a good mood so he threw $100 out the airplane to make someone happy.Then George Bush Shoved The Pope out of his way and threw 2 $100 notes out the the airplane

"You're such a failure"said Bush to the Pope "today i made 2 people happy!""and staring at the 2 of them declared "BEAT THAT!"

So Obama threw Bush out the airplane and made evryone happy!