Reality is the only obstacle to happiness!

People are not lazy, they're just happy doing nothing.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Avoid hangovers by staying drunk.

Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home.

Save water, Drink beer.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen

The higher you are, the farther you fall

Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems!

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

Trying is the first step towards failure

Statistics are used by people who have no proof

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils

In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?

You can better lose a lover than love a loser

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

Mental Health is overrated

Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do

The rich get richer and the poor get children

Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember

EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES....YOU JUST MAKE MORE!